Chapter 9

I do not remember who brought me home that morning. It was a Sunday the day I always loved. It was usually a day for going out on the Harley dinners watching sporting events and just relaxing I was desperate to be alone and according to someone somewhere that shouldn’t be. I asked everyone to just give me a couple hours. I was mentally and physically exhausted. I sat I’m my favorite chair and just wailed. I screamed. I was so mad at God at Him!!! Why did He leave me? I eventually fell asleep and woke up hearing hushed voices in my kitchen. My dear friends were all at our home – wait another realization my home. It was about one o’clock and I felt the urge to call the funeral home and set up an appointment. I asked for the first time they could see me. I took a shower a friend braided my hair and that was enough preparation for where I was going and what I needed to do. My best friend had driven several hours to get to my home to be with me. So in the car me my best friend (she’s my cousin) her husband my daughter and son in law I I don’t remember if anyone else went up to the Mortuary to talk about what they now call a life celebration. I caught a glimpse of my self as we walked into the office. What a sight. Puffy eyes jeans a heavy winter coat no make up was bad enough but it was the way I was walking. My shoulders slumped forward my neck bent down so no one could see my face. My braid draped over my shoulder and my wedding rings as they have been dutifully on my hand as they have been for so many years. I felt like the widower I was. Terrible. After telling me how sorry they were for my loss we go down to the business of planning a funeral. Casket? Cremation? Viewing if so open or closed casket. Where would we burry Him? Religious or not? One day or and evening viewing the mass and burial the next day. I wanted His mother or someone from His family to come I had no takers. The only thing I was adamant about was no viewing of His body. He was so swollen from kidney failure and I just said no. I asked my daughter what she would like burial or cremation. After what seamed like endless questions about His life for the obituary it was decided we would cremate Him and have a visitation 10 12 on Friday February 12 2010. My daughter had changed faiths and I asked her to ask her pastor to officiate a service for her Dad. I felt this would make her happy and hopefully ease some of her enormous grief. We picked out a bronze urn and asked His mom if He could be buried with His father. We would allow time for anyone who would like to speak at his “life celebration” – funny I didn’t feel like celebrating. We were instructed to get pictures and we put a saying on the card that some thought was inappropriate but He had picked it out. Pick out music and a place for a luncheon after His burial. We left if possible more heart broken It was about 3:30. I had been a widow lest than a day and I already was over whelmed by my broken heart my foggy mind and crushed spirit. In the car again I was told how lovely the service would be and how well I was doing. I learned that day you can scream with out making a sound. I was screaming – my mind was running so fast I don’t recall the ride home Never the less I was home. Someone had gotten me a prescription for my “nerves” I need one for a broken heart. Friends came and went and I had wonderful food in my home but couldn’t eat a bite. I just kept screaming inwardly and asking why. About 10pm I was alone exhausted and I learned grieving was personal and I was the exception to the rule. I wanted solitude I didn’t want to be
Surrounded by loved ones. I wanted to be in the middle of a Forrest so that I could hide without being found. I wanted someone any one to hurt as bad as me – not really – but I felt no one understood. I was jumpy tired and so grief stricken I need to be alone. Only one person – my best friend – understood. My mother couldn’t grasp the fact I didn’t want to listen to others experiences – although sad and I had so much sympathy for their losses- it wasn’t the same to me I couldn’t connect no one knew. I grieved screamed and cried without a sound.

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