Chapter 10

It began to snow again. Not just once but several times between Monday and Friday that week. My dear friend took me shopping for a new outfit to wear. I needed pants it was so cold (I’m always cold). To wear to His “life
Celebration”. I was on auto pilot. I really don’t remember to much of that week. Friends came and went and I cried. Friends cook wonderful meals I screamed. Friends cried I consoled them. Weird when you are inconsolable you become the consoler. People I found want you to grieve as they do. I can’t understand it. I didn’t want people around I wanted to calm my mind. I was mad. It the best emotion to describe how I was feeling. Of course I was so sad but I was angry. I didn’t want to cry but that’s all I could do. I was useless to my daughter and grandchildren. My mother didn’t understand my need of solitude but neither did I. I still don’t know why I need to be alone. My best guess is that all of out friends are couples I was now a widow – single. Haven’t been that way for almost 32 years. Went and ordered flowers and a dear childhood friend offered his
Restaurant for a luncheon in His honor. I can’t tell you how wonderful everyone was to me and how miserable I was being I can’t say it enough I just wanted to be by myself
Then the day came – yeah we gonna celebrate his life. I got dressed and packed some snacks for our grandchildren. Don’t know why just did. The flowers were pretty and for more than the allotted time I heard sorry do you need anything so sudden and all the other things that people
Say when they don’t know what to say. As I said it snowed so much that week we couldn’t burry him that day. So off the the place where my childhood friend who so great fully set up a room for lunch and drinks in his honor. So many people came we even took over the bar. I just wanted to go home. My sisters husband went above his duty to me and paid what little my friend charged (cost of food) I wanted to be alone. I cherished each person who was there but I wanted solitude. So the celebration was over the burial still had to be done. Ugh. I learned what I thought I already knew how to do. I learned to smile through pain anger and sorrow. I’m still smiling

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