Chapter 8

Machines kept their dutiful rhythm IV lines pushed fluids into a body that wasn’t functioning. The doctor returned with the forms. The forms that would let a body that had died already rest. The papers that I had to sign. The papers we as a couple had discussed. At 5:34am I was handed the papers that had the time and date on them. I looked at my daughter and told her how sorry I was and signed a tear actually fell on the paper. The doctor counter signed. The paper was now telling me what my heart didn’t want to hear my head couldn’t understand and my soul knew I had to do. Funny thing about these three getting together. They make you doubt Your heart aches your mind can’t even remember your name and your soul keeps you upright. You can recall things that happened years ago but you don’t know what you did in the past five minutes You know you have to call and tell His family and dearest friends but your mind can’t find the words you go on auto pilot.
My daughter called His family and mine I called His closest friends. I can’t tell you what I said exactly but I remember the scream in His closest buddies voices asking “what??”
and I’ll be there as soon as possible.
By about 6:30am everyone had come to the hospital navigating through three feet of snow. Everyone was crying, and when they weren’t their eyes told that they had been. All couples – it was the first time I realized I wasn’t going to be a couple- they
came in sobbing saying how shocked they were, hugging me each other and His family members. Men kissed Him and cried telling Him how much they cared for Him and don’t worry we take care of Her. At one point I went to the nurses desk and told them that all that need to come had. We waited for drugs so that when they took His vent out there would be no anxiety or pain. Ten thirty they arrived. This was the first time they asked me to step out. I went to His ear told Him how much I loved Him and some personal things just for Him to hear. I hugged and kissed Him put my ear to His chest and hears how fast and hard His heart was pounding held His hand and said “I’ll be right back they just want to take the tube out now ” the drugs were flowing into His veins now. The curtain was pulled and in less than what seamed a minute “Mrs your can come back in” their faces were so very very sad they made brief eye contact and then looked at the floor. No one went back in but me – at least for a couple of minutes. He took three breaths and stopped. I put my head on His chest and heard nothing. He left He was gone it was 10:34am. The Doctor came and and that’s what she told me He’s gone. I stayed maybe half an hour. I couldn’t take it. The it was I was a widow. I learned that I wasn’t a Mrs anymore I was a widower. I wasn’t half of a couple I was the wife of the Late Mr. I was in about 15 and 1/2 hours a widower. It sucked. I kept saying that why? I have no idea. I guess it was the harshest thing with out cursing I could say. Elaine was a widow. No one asked me if I was ok with that – why would they? I wanted the last day of my life to do over. This wasn’t a game no do overs. I learned I was completely alone in a room full of people.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s